


Twenty years

by scap3goat (kriegswaffel)



Series: A variation in retrospect [2]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-03 07:51:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4092946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriegswaffel/pseuds/scap3goat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Genesis hasn’t been without consequence on all sides and after Spock informs the senior officers of a change in his personal life Bones finds his world falling apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twenty years

Their lives had been a rough ride since Genesis, the months spent on Vulcan, the days spent in the past and that darn mission that had sent them on the hunt for Sha Ka Ree with Spock's estranged half-brother.

All in all it had been a right mess, but something about that last encounter still resonated with him, made him aware that he was still missing something in his life, as hard as he tried to deny it.

He missed Spock.

He missed the Spock he'd had during their five year mission, the Spock he'd briefly had before Genesis.

He missed the way Spock had tucked his arms around him at night, the way his touch had buzzed and made him feel as if he'd come alive every time, he missed the endearments whispered in Vulcan and them both pretending that Leonard didn't know what Spock said, he missed how they could fight and more importantly how they could be silent with each other.

After Genesis, after Spock's katra was removed, and they completely severed for the first time in years, Leonard had grieved. He grieved more than when Spock had left for the first time and even more than when Spock had died.

Unlike with Spock's return to communicate with V'ger there was no point where they could pick up when they acknowledged their feelings to each other, where they could start sharing tender touches and carefully grow into a more intimate relationship again.

The Spock he'd gotten to know was stiff and Vulcan, none of what they had shared remained with him. All they gained over time was companionship and even that seemed stilted and like it was only happening because Jim insisted on gaining Spock's friendship and on Bones tagging along. Yes, that was what bothered him most, he felt like he was just tagging along, a third wheel.

He was still in the process of mulling over whether he wanted Spock back (of course he did, but wasn't he just chasing old memories and trying not to be lonely?) or whether he would finally get over their past (in the end they had only ever had a private relationship, nobody had ever known about them except themselves) when Spock unknowingly delivered the back-breaking blow:

During a conversation on parenthood Spock had offered his opinion and, when prompted, revealed to the senior officers present that he'd recently become a father himself. Then he'd had the audacity to turn to McCoy and said that he might have to ask him for advice about being an absent father to a daughter.

Bones felt like he'd fallen into a black hole and started to avoid Spock.

It had taken the fairly obvious decision to rid himself of his dreams of being reunited with Spock out of his hands and that made it all the worse. He'd have realised that Spock wasn't and would never be again his, eventually he'd have come to terms with it and recovered from the loss of something he should have cherished more when he had it.

But now almost every senior officer he met alone couldn't stop expressing their glee at Spock being a father and their wonder whether Vulcan babies were as adorable as other humanoid babies - and he wanted to scream in their faces that, yes, unfortunately even Vulcan babies were too damn adorable even though he wanted to hate this one.

But in the end neither the baby, nor Saavik, not even Spock were the cause of his problems.

Yet it hurt when he saw Spock and maybe he was a little less inviting as he'd used to be when the Vulcan sought him out.

"Doctor McCoy, I've been searching for you," he began and it was un-Vulcan enough to make Bones sigh inwardly. "It was not my intention for my comment about your relationship to your daughter to be insulting. In fact I was honest in my claim, I may be finding myself asking for your advice."

McCoy only nodded, unable to find a reply.

It made Spock uneasy, it seemed, as he suddenly spoke again, "Do you wish to see a picture? The Captain and Commander Sulu have both assured me that everyone would want to see one, eventually. Computer, show picture file--"

"Spock, don't," McCoy cut him off wearily. "I accept your apology that wasn't one. Just spare me the rest. Anything else?"

One of Spock's eyebrows rose. "You do not act any differently from before my apology. I had anticipated that once this matter is resolved you would return to your usual self."

Bones didn't want to know whether to laugh or to cry or where to begin to explain. Spock didn't even seem to remember what they'd had or it would have been logical to mention it, wouldn't it?

"I'm not... we're not... it's not about the baby, Spock, or about your comment. I have personal issues..."

Spock tilted his head in interest, but McCoy wasn't going to say anymore. When Spock realised that he nodded once. "I accept your silence, yet I remember a time when you were not reluctant to share your troubles with me."

With that he left and McCoy went for his secret stash of Romulan Ale.

 

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It was a bad sign to be personally woken by the Captain of a ship - it usually meant something was amiss and this time McCoy could clearly make out that it was his head.

"Congratulations, it's almost noon, you slept through a staff briefing and haven't answered the comm."

Bones rolled over with a grunt and mumbling about being sick.

"Well, you haven't reported in as sick!" Kirk replied and pulled away McCoy's blanket.

"I have! Darn CMO hasn't passed it on," McCoy replied in an acerbic tone and tried to get his blanket back from Kirk but only fell out of bed as a result. His wrist gave a frightful cracking sound and Kirk confirmed his suspicions.

"That doesn't look so right..."

And with that McCoy had to be admitted to medical with a broken wrist in his day-old uniform, still reeking of Romulan Ale and Kirk being far too talkative for the amount of Ale McCoy had imbibed.

"Look," McCoy began in an attempt to curb Kirk's babbling, "Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I need to adjust to a few things right now and I'd appreciate it if you gave me the time to do so."

"What exactly is it about Spock that bothers you so much?" Kirk asked and thankfully McCoy found himself sober enough to not just spill his guts to his Captain and friend. After keeping what they had from everyone for so long, including Kirk, explaining that he was suffering from the loss of a relationship he'd sure cause more problems than someone else listening would solve.

 

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The incident didn't repeat itself, but McCoy had a feeling that Kirk, as well as Spock, were wary of him. Not professionally, at least no more than before, but it felt as if sometimes they would stop talking when McCoy joined them. That was just what Bones had feared, being excluded from their friendship at some point, but he was too grumpy to do anything about it.

Eventually Chekov revealed off-handedly part of the problem by mentioning that they were under way to Vulcan.

Naturally all senior officers were invited to meet with Saavik and the newborn child in Sarek's home, once Spock had had time to acquaint himself with his daughter.

McCoy didn't refuse the invitation but once he'd caught a glance at her he stepped away from the group surrounding Spock holding the infant and Sarek standing guard with all the pride that was still suitable for a Vulcan. He definitely didn't want to be caught in the "Do you want to hold her" game that he witnessed starting, with Uhura being the first to cradle the baby in her arms.

"You don't seem happy for Spock," Amanda stated. She had been standing by and instantly noted McCoy withdrawing.

"Oh, I am happy for Spock," he claimed, aware that he probably wasn't very convincing.

"Then you're probably unhappy for yourself," she concluded and McCoy found himself rubbing his still tender wrist. "Come."

He was led to the kitchen where Amanda poured them a cup of tea each and gave him an expectant look.

"Spock isn't the same as he used to be," McCoy finally said. "And I miss who he used to be. He changed before but this time he's become a stranger."

"He's been a stranger to himself after the fal-tor-pan," Amanda stated softly. "It has taken him some time to recover."

"And now he has this, he's become even more of a stranger."

Amanda watched him for a long while. "What exactly is it that makes Spock so different? I can hardly note a difference anymore and Kirk seems delighted to have his friend back, yet you feel the opposite."

Bones told himself that it was the worst idea to reveal to Spock's mother, of all people, that he was still not over their secret affair, that he wasn't over Spock forgetting it altogether, the doubt he felt sometimes when he wasn't sure if he was remembering it correctly or if the had been all but a dream.

"We used to be closer. As of recently I feel like a convenient accessory to Kirk and Spock's great friendship. Just superfluous." And maybe part of it _was_ because Jim suddenly concentrated on Spock so much, McCoy feeling excluded from both ends. When was the last time they'd just shared a drink, just the two of them? Instead McCoy found Jim and Spock looking at baby pictures and playing chess, the former not interesting to Bones and the latter by default a two player game.

"Spock cares deeply for you," Amanda replied. "He called you his friend."

McCoy nodded absentmindedly and emptied his tea. "If anyone misses me I'll be outside."

 

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The hills not far from Sarek's Shi'Kahr residence had held a huge attraction for Bones ever since he'd been last on Vulcan. He didn't know whether it was a side-effect of holding Spock's katra, a memory that had resonated with him and that he had subconsciously held onto, but he did what his instinct told him and sought out the rock formations.

In the small paths in the shadows the air was pleasantly cool, compared to the temperature in the sun and once in a while a breeze blew through the canyons.

He slowly climbed the paths, choosing whatever direction appealed to him most, until he found himself on top of the formation, sunset already approaching.

For a while he just staring at the fiery orange sink lower and lower below the horizon, followed by light pink, purple and eventually blue. Even when he closed his eyes he could still make out the fading sunlight until the orange had vanished behind the horizon completely. The breeze got stronger and cooler, rustling his clothes and hair and insistently blowing sand into his face and having him blink.

"This is where I chose to hide away from my father," Spock's words suddenly were so close that, for a moment, McCoy wondered if he'd lost his mind and was hearing voices. Until a heavy hand landed on his shoulder and McCoy turned to find Spock standing with him. "I always admired the calm this spot gave me when I needed to think, even as a child."

McCoy nodded, unable to say anything. For a moment there he'd felt as close to Spock as he'd not too long and yet a lifetime ago.

"I have come to talk," Spock continued. "We have been friends for so long, I do not want that to change."

Because it was better than breaking out in tears McCoy laughed briefly. "But you have changed. We changed. This changed."

"I did need some time to acclimate. One does not simply remember everything or be the same after what happened."

McCoy nodded. "I know. And I've been with you as well as I could. But some things... I cannot help but think of some thing as they were and see in retrospect how unimportant they must have been for you to simply forget them. For them to change so easily."

There was a long silence between them.

"You must be referring to the intimacy we shared."

Bones turned his head back to the horizon and tried his best not to react - to cry, or scream, or laugh. "Huh."

So Spock did remember.

"You try to seem indifferent but your words lead me to believe that you are anything but."

Now McCoy laughed again, a coarse, strangled sound. "You're just precious, you know that? Of course I'm not indifferent. I'm not Vulcan. I can't let it go just like that."

Spock surprised him by stating, "Neither am I." When he had McCoy's full attention he continued. "I have come to realise that, while I do hold the Vulcan Way in high regards I am not fully Vulcan and do not need to be in order to be an exceptional example of the accomplishments the Vulcan Way can bring. I am part human and living among humans I have discovered how just a smidgen of a positive feeling can... go a long way. I'm not indifferent to what happened between us and I cannot 'let it go' anymore than I can let go of my nature. Nor do I want to."

A million questions of 'why' ran through McCoy's head and he was close to reaching out for Spock to just grab and shake him lest some answers fall out of his cryptic Vulcan head.

"And Saavik?" he asked instead, not even sure where that came from.

"She aided me during my time of need on Genesis. An incident I cannot be blamed for."

"Well, I thought it might be logical to... have a family, now that you happen to have one."

He couldn't for the life of him, read Spock's expression. "Saavik has given birth to our daughter but that does not mean that I have a family that I haven't had before or that I would desire a new one to replace what I already had. Over the months recovering my memories and what they meant to me I have come to realise that for nearly twenty years now there has been one constant in my life: I could be sure of your feelings. I may not and may never be the exact man you knew but I hope I can be one you would return to."

McCoy frowned a little. "If you remembered, why didn't you say anything?"

"My memories weren't very clear, nor my emotions on the matter. Maybe a result of neither of us not wanting to reveal too much with the healers standing in and prying into our thoughts, not all may have been passed to me correctly.“

Yes, McCoy realised, he had often caught himself wondering whether they'd found out.

"I am still not sure I can gauge it all correctly, but I am hoping for a chance to learn more about it. I am, however, certain that I wish for us to return to what we shared.”

"Well," nodded McCoy, "How about I show you?"

Spock nodded and they slowly sat down on the sandy rock. McCoy closed his eyes and a moment later he felt Spock's fingertips against his skin, a familiar, soothing touch.

 

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They returned to the villa by sunrise, both calm and collected.

Their meld had lasted for hours, renewing the bond they'd formed before and that had unknowingly been severed by the healers thinking of it as a side-effect of the fal-tor-pan, and afterwards McCoy had answered Spock's questions until he was hoarse.

Saavik and Amanda were already up and relayed the message from Kirk and the others that they'd give them until mid-morning before sending out search parties. Spock acknowledged and then led McCoy to the crib. Carefully McCoy pickd up the baby and smiled at her. "She is adorable."

As an answer Spock put his hand on the one McCoy used to stabilise her head.


End file.
